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I felt letters from men married to women on the spectrum the hurt they cause intentional or notsurely a... I have been told this in a variety of ways throughout my life, by many of my friends and family, colleagues, and even strangers, actually. He stripped me of my money (took 100% of our joint money then returned a little), kept most expensive and convenient furniture and appliances, paid up for 4 months of rent (rent in my area is $3600 a month) out of our joint savings at the time when I already rented my own place Now I started questioning his ASD diagnosis.
Yes, I regret.
Its not me its Aspergers or Narcissism isnt it in my husband ! It breaks my heart to read this article.. and the other beautiful soils, who find themselves in this situation.. the loneliness inside an aspie relationship/marriage is far more painful then anyone not in one could imagine..its like you are always looking at a distorted view of reality.
It is not a trait of anyone.
Yes, all very similar in my relationship, and I did walk/was also betrayed. He may have sympathy, empathy and feelings but he cant express them in any meaningful way. How I wish I had known of websites like Different Together and so on, which could have supported me and given me techniques of how to prevent the personal damage that comes from living with someone with AS. Thank you again. He didnt ask about life here for the family or me and when I did start to share he would continue to work and I could hear the keys tapping. This sadly was my experience over 20 years and 8 children. Ms. Swenson, And it also helps me consider more clearly how I want to frame this with our children.
Helping to build a bridge between these two ways of being in the world is my life work. I support each point on the list with a how or why, so he has it in front of him and doesnt have to bother with theory of mind translation. My love to all of you beautiful woman and men whove shared their stories here. So, for me, it was not a good idea to make it last once I knew it couldnt last. In my 44 years with my ASH, I found the only way it can be bearable is to make no excuses for him. Now that Ive had the time to reflect on this. Its been a huge slog to wrap my mind around what happened, and others comments on ideating suicide, the many mornings I felt utterly hopeless, even now, despite for better or for worse, my numerous accomplishments, I have to prop myself up to press forward because of the darkness that the marriage cultivated inside me due to the economic instability, neglect and lack of foreseeability that I experienced in my marriage. I dont know what to do. She is operating on the assumption her children know her and love her and they see she is a good person. If not, I hope that you will arrive at some kind of peaceful situation, maybe a good new relationship with a man worthy of you, some kind of peace and quiet happiness. And also that if he appeared rude and abrupt to her, this was why. He said no he wanted to get a discount. So holding thumbs! The joke is he doesnt care, need to do it. However regarding your husbands jokey disclosure that he may have a mild form of Autism, I think it was very brave and open of him to tell you that. He was kind and laughed at my jokes and good to my daughter who is also on the spectrum (not diagnosed until college) and challenging. Run for your life or you will have nothing left of it. Nonetheless, autism is real and it is significant, and for those to whom it applies clinically, it is meaningful because it describes differences experienced by an individual as a result of the structure of the brain. We can only base our thoughts on what we have experienced. Wen u finally know tge parents knows he is asperger all along.they portray you as bad guy. And a diagnosis *is* helpful. There never seems to be any consequence for the hurt they cause intentional or notsurely. Ladies, these men cant fully be trusted to do the right thing by you, so you need to step in and protect yourself. We see a NT/ASD-couple therapist but its not working too well. Mind you he keeps no tally/list on how many times per week he upsets me or our children. When he does not acknowledge her birthday, and she asserts that his behavior has upset her, he may respond that he did not mean to upset her; therefore, she shouldnt be upset. Years were passing and many did before she realized what happened. Us humans held little interest for him at the end of the day and life is too short to condemn myself to such an existance. I had another slightly lesser breakdown a few months later. I wouldnt want to spend money if I had that. He doesnt understand why I complain that he only gives us 100 dollars a week for groceries. I live with two Asperger men, my husband and our adult son. The psychiatrist also diagnosed him with Adult ADHD which I understand can go hand in hand and anxiety, etc. He is fighting over everything.
Shannon My heart goes out to you NT women married to ASD men, seriously.. She has become accustomed to his stonewalling, which Dr. John Gottman, relationship expert, believes can kill a relationship because it denies communication and denies opportunity for the relationship to grow. Ask more questions. I am so glad I finally got away but it took my daughters final hateful outburst to sever my connection with him completely. He pointed out to me today the list he has on his mobile phone. I read this artical and its totally what I go through with him. You can validate someones painful experience without bashing an entire group of people. As youve seen here, most of the posters have had mental health and soul-destroying experiences, me included. The final blow? We have found our voices and can now know that we are healthy, happy, social vivacious individuals. I was so deeply depressed for so many years, when my friend demanded that I become her boyfriend, and give her a chance, I gave up and said ok. It seems to me that there is a wealth of material on this very long list of comments, the article has become a self-help site in its own right, with its combination of lived experience, often heart-rending, and comment based on scholarly study like yours. The first comment asked But I would think that all of this could somehow be different if you enter into the relationship with knowledge of a diagnosis? I was saddened to see that the first reply to that question was No. Because that is absolutely not true. Autism wasnt always a household word in the way it is as of late. There are many other things in your description of your husband that I can fully relate to. I am deeply touched that my writing is so meaningful to you. Not all people with ASD are unfeeling distant creatures, I unfortunately feel my husband is that way many times, its from his upbringing mixed with the ADHD but I am actually very intense in relationships and NEED to KNOW we are connecting every day, and living life together otherwise whats the point in being married? You may feel that your autistic brother or sister doesnt get told off as often as you do and that your parents give them more
Due to There is no space to explain here, there are now many books on this topic. Controlling me by money, all this time. I may have missed the topic previously but what is passing?? My opinions didnt matter because I didnt have hard facts to back them up. Too soon to tell. I feel my identity dissolving more every day. It actually makes me angry. You know the answer to what you must do, but for whatever reason you are not ready/willing to end the relationship. It is a sickness to think you are always right. At age 46, he still calls his parents for advice on house/automobile maintenance and subsequently does whatever they suggest. For instance, making someone cry for being honest about your feelings is not high EQ. He was quiet, shy, aloof, mysterious, I encourage them to discuss this with their husbands and, if it seems appropriate or likely to be helpful, to then suggest that they come in for some sessions as a couple. I have a strong sex drive, but with his lack of showering I realize I now associate him as disgusting and dont want to even think about it with him. This is a cyclical issue. Sometimes it seems the Aspie Husband gets to play the victim. Then he would scoot as close to the edge of his side as far as he could and put his back to me. As long as we are alive, we all have to work on improving ourselves. He fits the AS diganosis in many other ways. I was rushed but not surprised.
I am almost 65 and talked myself into staying with an ADHD/ASD man for 17 years of marriage. I have to have surgery in July and the boys are going to stay with my granny for 10 days so they dont have to deal with him. He will argue over the color of water. I had previously considered NPD as he gaslights alot. This post (and the comments following) continues to be a good source of learning and information for me. I stole all my older sisters toys because I didnt want them to get more of her attention than I did. So I told him that this is not working, and he looked at me with disgust and rolled his eyes. Also, important dates such as birthdays and holidays have no special meaning to him, its just another day. I have read and digested all of the comments now. It is not your place, however, to consign the experience of others to the label unreasonable and unfair behavior, which is precisely what therapists who do not understand neurodiversity tend to do, and which causes couples great distress. When we split in 2001 after 33yrs, I was devastated at some of his unexpected behaviours and demands that were very selfish.
She had two mentally ill grandmothers and a diagnosed schizophrenic great grandmother. In particular the subtlety of the disrespect is important. I imagine the majority of the remaining comments are also similar and I can genuinely saynow knowing that I am also on the ASD spectrumthat Im sorry youre going through this. He is a truck driver, very charming, and scripted on what to say , I felt. I asked if there was autism in his family and he said no. I have a husband who really wanted to buy a house so we did but he does nothing to maintain it. Were having major issues in our marriage, communication wise and I was diagnosed with cancer and just had brain surgery. It seemed like I was telling him the same things over and over. When I was 37, I finally found someone who accepted me, and I TREATED HER VERY WELL. I am a professional photographer and there are very few pictures of me with the kids but a ton of priceless images of him and them over the years. I knew I loved them and that I would do anything in the world for them, but there were times when I just didnt understand what was going on. I have just read this article and it really sounds like my story. There is nothing inherent in a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder that would legally prevent someone from marrying, signing contracts, or otherwise making binding commitments. Thank you for sharing your story. I am not an expert on Asperger Husbands but what I saw was heart breaking. Well, that was three weeks ago and we have both been enjoying a renewed wonderful close relationship. It is asking a lot of yourself to hold this bottled up within you. I am curious how you left your husband and what his reaction was. Why are there no letters from men married to women on the spectrum? I need to know for the sake of my future and sanity. Is it true they do shut it off? I never intended to cause her pain. Written in 1950 by the catholic church. Dr. Robert Naseef and Dr. Cindy Ariel are experts in counseling families in which a person is on the spectrum. I am still baffled at how he can sleep in separate rooms of the house we shared literally 1 week ago!!! Birthday money give to me by my parents he took it all, Christmas money, he took it all. He can do no wrong. Im glad to hear that you are no longer with him but the loss is still painful, beyond explanation. Im saving my money, Im making plans, this idiot is going to be left high and dry and I do not care at all what the hell is wrong with him, I do not care if it is his fault or not, none of it matters to me.
Today, people with the symptoms of Asperger's receive an autism spectrum diagnosis (assuming they choose to seek a diagnosis at all). I thought it was important to explain it to my two children as I realise now that they could be in danger of thinking his cold and selfish behaviour is normal. The one benefit of my husbands particular form of ASD is that he can adapt to almost any new rule.
I could have written what you said myself.
My son is only two and although I wanted more children can anyone advise whether it makes more sense to leave now, whilst he has no idea what is happening as opposed to staying and trying to make it all work only to end up leaving in the future and my son hating me as described above. A translator that grasps both ends and has no stake in either side; THAT is what we really need the most if we want to see positive changes for the future.
Then what is the alternative? It is hard for him to accept this and he has verbally abuse me and I went silent for the years of marriage in order not to cause conflict. I am happy to pay him off only to go away and not destroy my personality and life any further. He himself have used AS as an excuse why his is lacking emotional response or feelings in some situations. I never intended to cause this harm. I have no idea what to do for the best. Hes become better but overall I still feel pretty alone when we go out. My bad. Were responsible adults now. I thought, What?? He is currently getting help with his PTSD and has come a LONG way over the 15 years we have been married.
A few months into our marriage is when I really noticed his issues but I was young and didnt know if I was doing something wrong or if every couple had the same issues or what. I stopped writing. I know how difficult this is and I send you love and warm wishes as you continue to navigate this path. I have spent the last 3 years in therapy after I had a breakdown at work due to the stress and uncertainty of recent years and at 60 had to give up a well paying career to allow myself to heal my lost and broken self. My youngest daughter most likely has Aspergers as well, and she is often just like her father. Ive almost left twice, but he does love me (hes financially generous and obsessed with my health. He never offers to repay me and does not show any emotion at all that shows any kind remorse. I do see a lot lack of respect from my sons, and I am afraid to try anything new anymore because I am tired of criticism. It tore me apart. I used to see myself in that same light, as someone truly special. Mind blowing!!! Nor do I think your intention or hope is to attack Sarah, Rob that does not seem to be your heart, at least not to me. Still trying to recover. Jessica Kingsley Publishers. I will show this article to make him realise what is the underlying dynamic and how he has such a big role in it. I feel like Ive been winded. Thanks again for the wonderful article that was our story its so nice to know that I am not alone. When I broke my ankle about 12 years ago, he felt sorry for himself because he would have to do more stuff around the house and with the kids; he even started training for a 50 mile run. Thank you for bringing me clarity. Also not excusing behaviours and saying oh well, you know they are autistic what do you expect asd/adhd is not and should not be a get out of jail card for rotten behaviour. We have seen a marriage therapist but when one partner only sees wrong in the other instead of sharing the responsibly of a relationship, its tough. I am a strong, independent, highly educated, intelligent woman and the time with him broke me in a way that Ive never experienced. At least I caught myself this time! Is there something that will change that thinking? I am now 44 years old.
It makes me feel crazy inside and seriously insane. (oh, and I am pretty sure my dad is ND, and my mom is NT they are still together, but live a quiet life). Aspies should be purged from the gene pool someone wrote, not realizing that medicine, science and computer scientists are a very neurodiverse part of society. If they chose you, its for great reason, because they didnt make that choice lightly. His paren5s are very rich snd have numerous court cases, tgey file cases against me just to depress me and torture me mentally and break me. I wish I had known earlier. I have been with my AS for 11 years he was diagnosed about 3 years ago but refuses to accept the diagnosis. These peoples lives have been greatly harmed by the actions of people like me that werent even aware of it. I took her aside and apologized and told her Id make it up to her later, that he was in charge of the gift and I was sorry. Im not sure that would have been the right thing to do anyway. You either didnt say anything, or suddenly started to send very short, cold and formal text messages. I am not aware if he is diagnosed or aware so eventually I just said that we seemed to be at cross purposes as he was speaking to me in a way that we are not used to in our new relationship I explained I love him being so kind and gentle and the way we are in our bubble although I know its still new but that I really need us to stay being kind and supportive of each other I explained I feel our bubble is where things can be dealt with as a couple as still in our togetherness.
Am I lucky? Im the crazy person, the bad wife, the bad mom and Im even undeserving of her son No luck for me over here, Ill tell ya! Some think we have a great marriage. Hello, Dahlia yes, and with a diagnosis, good counseling support is very important because of the very nature of the differences between the two partners. Theres one for divorced, one for still-married, & is based in the US. I want to save my marriage and keep the fire alive. I was terrified she would think less of me for remaining by his side, or adapt a subconscious belief that she should endure a seemingly abusive relationship because she had watched her mother suffer and stick it out in one. But I became too much of a people pleaser who gets walked on. And went to bed.
More this year than ever, his lack of generosity and excess of pride comes through. Im not so sure that would be true for my oldest and middle daughters, who I have talked honestly with and confided in over the years about their fathers behavior. This article is absolutely accurate, and is my life story up to a point I am still in the marriage, and have only survived this far because I have had access to an AS partners support group for over ten years. I cant believe I spent nearly a decade of my life nursing a man with both physical and emotional issues, working a pay the bills job instead of developing my career and keeping my ambitions for higher education in abeyance while getting no support for my own ideas, interests and ambitions, and rarely any display of thanks. The concept that we may have to make up for things that we didnt intend is something I didnt understand for a while, but Im glad that I do now. It is a huge relief to know I am not alone as I often feel like I am going completely crazy. It shows how our own behavior can affect others in ways that we didnt intend, and that even if we didnt mean to do something bad, we have an obligation to make up for it regardless. I did book a table a week later, which he complained was too late, when it came to paying (my birthday meal) he simply sat there and said to me youre better at this than me. I was expecting that now that we are away , he would at least spend all his vacation with me since he is staying with his family everyday. Like I said my marriage to my Aspie Husband is fantastic, hes social, intelligent, logic, manly, does kick boxing, is great with humour, fantastic in bed trust me on this, is a good looker i.e Brad Pitt lookalike but with slighltly browner hair, same height if not taller, very sponatanious and so am I, we both do social things, both feel sexy, both compliment each other etc, perhaps u guys didnt have much looks so didnt compliment as much.. Aspie men do prefer looks, its natural to them, because they are analytical, but they can look past that once ur together, but they do prefer looks wen choosing a partner, u cant blame them, all men are like that, u know wanting the slim tall pretty look, thats my experiance with men anyway, wanting them kind of women.
The line frequently used by accidental apologists for abusers is oh but helping them be better people helps us all. She struggles with him still (as an older teenager), but she has a foundation of understanding through reading and open communication with myself that has enabled her to open her heart up and not take all of his behaviors personally. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. I will say, that while everyone is an individual, there are some characteristics that ASD people exhibit (ask any therapist) and your gaslighting and blaming the people on this site is very characteristic of ASD folks. So I can see things, but I dont understand the whys Thank you for excellent article. Work can be rewarding, especially in their area of interest. I was the evil witch. We have triplet boys age 8. The complete lack of an emotional connection over decades is enough to drive us mad!! During this time the outburst got better. I have seen this many times.
I just recently diagnosed him of asperger after we broke up and my therapist suggested that my ex boyfriend might have autism. Later in our relationship when the sharing stopped, I attributed his lack of sharing/emotional intimacy as being the cause of childhood trauma, and that he needed time to trust me and to be able to open up. Have been married 19 years but I want a divorce. I believe that he has always known and has withheld that information from me and I feeling betrayed, trapped and angry because I do not understand AS. Maybe YOUR autistic husband isnt trying hard enough, but Im trying VERY HARD.